By El Loco Hombre69
I'm not El Loco Hombre69, the columnist who you all know and... uhm, well,
know some more.
I'm actually his friend Pat, and since El Loco Hombre69 (or "Eddie," as I call him) is a lazy prick, he's let me write a Special Super Mega Guest Edition Blowout or
some stupid crap like that. Anyway, it's "In ECW We Trust," but it's not by ELH69... however, the
jokes are just as bad, the thoughts are just as (if not more) incoherent, and we're on about the same intellectual level (rivaled only by the splotch of paint on my old printer). You probably won't be able to tell the
ELH69/Eddie/whatever has established a theme over his past two columns:
fruity fantasy booking in which he whines about how ECW stars are underused
and exploited and sent to work in the acid mines by the WWF for all of
1 cent an hour, and then paddled til the cows come home. Now, I like Mike
Awesome plenty, but he's not my favorite ECW wrestler. And Taz is ... eh
... okay (there's just something about him that bugs me. I don't know what,
really), but he's not my favorite ECW wrestler. My favorite ECW wrestler
is Dancin' Stevie
ECW, Justin Credible was universally hated. He swiped the Great Sasuke's
mask. He made fun of
Tommy Dreamer's dead grandfather. He kicked the crap out of the Sandman and stole both his nickname and his signature weapon (THE HEEL!). He went around, being a jack-off and getting in people's faces. And he did so well. Now, in the WWF, the closest he got to that was sticking his tongue out and hanging out with X-Pac. My word, did that situation ever need fixing. So, in this
Special Once-In-A-Lifetime Fat-Free Super Happy X Premium Unleaded Edition of "In ECW We Trust,"
we are going to examine the possible path of Justin Credible. One that won't lead him down the
same way that wearing a yellow jockstrap on his face did.
going to assume that the Alliance Invasion angle hasn't ended by January,
and we're at the
Jobbing To Crash!
next night, on Raw Is War, the Undertaker is "livid," as Jim Ross would
probably put it. He
was planning on going on to Wrestlemania, and making it his last match, win, lose, or draw, against reigning WWF Champion Kurt Angle. However, due to Justin Credible's foul mouth, he lost that chance. Taker wants a piece of Justin Credible, and wants to kick his ass TONIGHT. As Taker
is closing the interview, Justin Credible runs up from off-camera and cracks a singapore cane over
his head. Credible keeps beating and beating the Undertaker with it until it's bent and broken, while Rhyno and the Dudley Boys keep any would-be party-poopers at bay. When the assault is through, Credible spits on the Undertaker and kicks over his bike. The Undertaker is admitted to the hospital that night for a few nasty cuts on his face.
The next week, Justin Credible's profile has risen considerably due to his audacious actions. He is awarded an Intercontinental Championship shot against Steve Blackman, who is IC Champ because I, like Steve Blackman, and I'm writing this, so go to hell. After a tombstone piledriver from the top rope, Credible pins Steve Blackman for the Intercontinental Title. After the match, Blackman goes crazy on Credible with the martial arts action, finishing it off by kicking Credible in the face, and hard. Credible is busted wide open, and has to be helped backstage by Alliance referees.
Caneing Some Ass!
the Intercontinental Champion, Credible sets about doing anything he can
to keep his title. While Lance Storm distracts the referee, Credible will
bust a singapore cane over his opponent's
head, or he'll hold the tights for a roll-up, or he'll use the ropes for leverage. He keeps cheating and cheating and cheating, and the crowd hates him. He doesn't
display any love for them: in his promos, he bashes everything he can, from the look of certain
fans in the front row to the city in general. He is vying with X-Pac for the title of most hated man in the WWF. A month-long feud with Steve Blackman ended with a "neck injury" work when, in a Hardcore match at No Way Out, Credible did a That's Incredible off the top rope through a table on the outside. He also runs
through Christian, Tajiri, and Billy Gunn as WrestleMania approaches. On the second-to-last SmackDown! before Wrestlemania, Justin Credible
comes down to the ring and calls out the Rock. Credible says that he's already the Hardcore Icon, and he's also adopted Billy Gunn's moniker "The One." He says that "The People's Champion, Justin Credible" has a nice ring to it, and challenges the Rock to a one-on-one match, title vs. title. If the Rock wins, he becomes
Intercontinental Champion, and if Credible wins, he becomes the People's Champion. The crowd boos
unmercifully, but lets out a wall of cheers as the Rock comes out. "Justin Credible... you must be
Justin SANE, actually WANTING to go one... on one... with the GREAT ONE! You call yourself the
Hardcore Icon, you call yourself the One, you could call yourself Purple Badger Diaper-Boy for all
the Rock cares! You have no place challenging the Rock for anything! But... the Rock's a nice guy.
The Rock is gonna humor you, Justin Credible: the Rock accepts your challenge." The crowd goes crazy.
The New "One"!
match is stellar. Credible and the Rock both hit all their signature spots:
the Rock Bottom,
the People's Elbow (which Credible manages to kick out of), the spinning DDT, the pulling-off-the-bottom-rope powerbomb. Justin Credible almost has the Rock beaten after a top-rope tombstone, when the Undertaker rides down to the ring with a microphone. "Justin, I was thinking," Taker says. "In 10 days, I should be main-eventing WrestleMania. And I
thought: who's to blame for that? And then I remembered: YOU." Taker throws down the microphone and slides into the ring, as Credible tries to run away, knowing he's in over his head. Taker catches him outside the ring, and knocks clear the monitors on the announcer's table. He lifts Credible up... Last Ride onto the protective mats! The referee calls for the bell, Credible winning by DQ. The Undertaker isn't through, though, as he hefts up Credible and then gives him the Tombstone Piledriver off of the guard wall (assuming Undertaker can still balance on it), through the cleared-off announcer's table. Credible is KO'ed, and has to be carried back on a gurney. J.R. puts Credible over as a man who should be dead after that.
On Raw Is War, Credible is in the ring. He is full of bile and venom, screaming for the Undertaker to come out. Credible waves a singapore cane frantically, yelling about how he's going to break the Undertaker's neck for doing that to him at SmackDown!. The Undertaker comes out to his usual cheers, but remains at the top of the ramp. "Now, Justin," he says, "my dance card is booked solid." He's in an ongoing feud with a newly-acquired Bam Bam Bigelow at present. "But I did some digging. I think I found a partner for you." Taker laughs, and Credible spazzes, demanding to know what the hell the "Big Dawg" is talking about.
Battle of the Tombstones!
then "Enter Sandman" by Metallica begins to play over the arena
Sandman comes out, wearing his ring gear, carrying a kendo stick
SmackDown!, Justin Credible is even more angry than he was on Raw.
WrestleMania, they blow the roof off, with tables, ladders, chairs,
About three weeks later, Credible returns, and he and the Sandman feud
some more over the IC belt.
Justin Credible eliminates the Sandman in the King of the Ring
semi-finals, but is eliminated
himself in the finals by Rob Van Dam. The Sandman/Credible feud
continues all the way to
SummerSlam, where a six-man tag pitting Credible, Raven, and Lance
Storm against the APA and the
Sandman ends with the Sandman getting a clean win over Justin Credible,
with Commissioner Regal
having added a stipulation that if the Sandman pins Credible, Credible
will never have another
match with Sandman for the IC title. So, with that crappy deus ex
machina plot device, our story
ends, with Credible cemented in his spot as an upper-midcarder.
the end. Who knows? Maybe I'll be back again, writing about Stevie Richards,
if Eddie slacks off again. Or maybe he'll beat me to the punch, resulting