The quintessential crazy man here, with an even crazier review! That’s right, it’s time to sit down and review one of those brand new ECDub DVDs, and todays choice will be…..hhhhmmmm…..eh, let’s go with Deep Impact. Now, this might be kind of sloppy, but bare with me; I’m still in school so I have to get to studying (hah!) so I’m going to write this column quick like, and all you people reading it better damn well like it!! But enough bitching and moaning, let’s get to what everyone wants……wrestling and violence!!!!
Mikey Whipwreck vs. The Sandman Vs. Steve Austin for the ECW World Title
So after popping in this DVD, wading through the menus and the opening commentaries and such, you stumble upon this first match, which turns out to be a triple threat match, with a future major superstar (Austin), a future wrestler selling himself on Ebay (Sandman), and a future bum (Whipwreck). Wow, and that was only years ago. What a world we live in. Anyways, back to reviewing the match. Now, as I’m watching this, it appears to have a promising start. We have Austin and Whipwreck only at first, with Sandman a no show. Everyone thinks that he isn’t going to show up, but being the suspenseful guy he is, Sandman comes out in classic fashion: by coming out piss drunk and bleeding from the forehead of course! So the 3 men battle it out, with Whipwreck being the 3rd wheel as this match is all about Sandman and Austin settling the feud that they had going. After about 10 minutes, you start to realize how limited an array of moves all of these men have. It’s painfully obvious that Sandman is shit without his cane, Whipwreck can barely do any moves on the bigger men, and Austin….well…it’s Austin. Everyone has seen this guy and knows what I’m talking about. But I don’t mind…I’m enjoying this match…..until it drags on for 20 minutes…..and 25 minutes….and 30 minutes….until finally it ends!!!! Thank You! This would have been a good match if it was only 10-15 minutes, but over 30?? Now….I know some of you might e-mail me and say it was only about 20 minutes….but this match felt like 30 minutes to me. Sorry but I was just bored by this match.
2 and a half stars
Terry Funk vs. Sabu in a barb wire match for the ECW World Title.
Well, after being bored to tears by that last match, I was starting to fear that this was going to be a crappy DVD. I was all set to write to Paul Heyman and tell him that he sucked for making this DVD until Terry Funk and Sabu poped onto my screen. Now, when Sabu is in a match, you sure as hell know it’s going to be good. So I put away my pen and paper and began to watch. And in addition, throw in some barb wire! Hey, I’m watching! So, the match begins….and after about 5 minutes, it’s crap. I’m about to pop this DVD out and chuck it out the window, but because I have to write this, I am forced to continue watching….and boy am I glad I did. After about 5 minutes, this match gets interesting. Bodies start to get thrown into barb wire and actually wrestling moves are beginning to be done. And then finally, Sabu goes crashing into the barb wire and rips open his bicep…..and closes it up with crazy glue. Man…Sabu is the man!!! Even with a torn bicep, Sabu continues to fight on. After some more bodies getting thrown into barb wire, and even more blood being spilled, the barb wire begins to be cut off….and wrapped around people! Poor Terry Funk….being wrapped in barb wire AND being put on a table AND taking a drop kick from Sabu through the table.Man…I thought Sabu was crazy before when he kept fighting with a torn bicep….but then he wraps himself in the barb wire and puts Terry Funk through another table! It got to a point where they were both stuck in barb wire. Let me repeat that….THEY WERE STUCK TOGETHER!! When the match finally ended, the whole ECW ring crew (2 people I think) had to separate them with wire cutters. One of the bloodiest and most violent matches I’ve ever seen….and I loved it!!!!
4 and a half stars
(…30 minute Man Show break…)
Heheheh….crazy old Jimmy and Adam….anyways, let’s get back to some reviews!!
Taz vs. Bam Bam Bigelow for the ECW TV Title
Well, after getting my spirits lifted by that last match, I had high hopes for this one as well because Taz and Bam Bam Bigelow are in it. Now I know Bigelow ain’t that good, but all of his matches against Taz have kicked ass! So anyways, I really liked this match. There were a lot of nice suplexes by Taz, inclusing a nasty looking T-Bone Tazplex from the ramp into the crowd. Taz took a nasty hit to the head from the guard rail, but somehow continued to wrestle. After some good bumps by both men, this led to the moment that this match was famous for, and that is Bigelow and Taz going through the ring. Now, when I saw it here, I thought it was very good, but I already seen it before. But then I just remember what I felt the first time I saw that, and that was HOLY SHIT!! That was one of most unexpected things to occur in a match and it did it for me.
Terry Funk & The Sandman vs. Cactus Jack & Shane Douglas
Wow….so far this DVD is shaping up to be pretty good….until it hits this stinker. This looked like it was going to be pretty good. I mean hardcore legend vs. hardcore legend is just awesome sounding. But when the match begins and I realize something….when Cactus Jack and Terry Funk aren’t in a hardcore match like a barb wire or exploding death match, they suck! This or maybe because Funk was way past his prime and Jack ok I guess. Also, as I said before, without the cane, Sandman is shit and Shane Douglas is one of the best heels to ever grace an ECW ring….but I hated him as a wrestler. I thought that he sucked…hardcore! So I sat through this stinker of a match, with cactus clothesline after cactus clothesline boring me to death. Although I have to admit, when the flaming cattle prod came into play, it was cool, but other then that, BORING! If you get this DVD, avoid this match like a hamster for sale the day after Vasoline Day on Fire Island!
1 and a half stars
Masato Tanaka & Jerry Lynn vs. Mike Awesome & Justin Credible
Now, when first looked at the package and saw this match, it was a mixed bag for me. I mean, I think Jerry Lynn and Masato Tanaka are awesome, but I have no idea how they would mix together with Mike Awesome and Justin Credible, especially if it ended up Jerry Lynn fighting Mike Awesome. However, this match was a pleasant surprise to me. The teams gelled very nicely, and there were many good high spots. Although I hated it when Justin Credible tagged in Awesome whenever Tanaka tagged in. I know that it’s supposed to be psychology and stuff, but it just annoyed me. I don’t really like Justin Credible, and just saw him as “the guy that Lance Storm carried in the Impact Players”. Other then that good match.
Yoshihiro Tajiri vs. Psicosis
How, I know I’m starting to get lazy and write half assed reviews of the last couple of matches, but I just wanna end this and watch Taxi Driver in peace without this in my mind. So anyways, we come up to the crown jewel of this DVD, the reason I bought it. I had very high expectations for this match, and I was surprised that this match even exceeded those! This match is just a masterpiece in my opinion, plain and simple. It has everything a good match needs: Good ring psychology, some nice high spots, good reversals, no outside interference (very important, these always seem to ruin good matches!), and most important of all, it keeps the crowd on the edge of it’s seat for the duration of the match. This match has some of the most standing ovations in one match I have ever seen. You cantell the crowd was into it with every move they did, even if it was a simple punch or kick, because you never knew what was going to come next, and that why it was so good. It also didn’t hurt that it had some nice planchas done by Psicosis, and some kicks by Tajiri that I swear must have connected to have em sound like that! They sound so freakin real! All I can say is, once you get this DVD, skip every match and just watch this one over and over and over again.
5 +++++++ stars (the pluses mean good!!)
Francine vs. Beulah McGuillicuty
This wasn’t really a match….just a T&A show….and I liked it!!! Woohoo…..boobs, ass, boobs, ass….and even more boos and ass!!! I would give this match a 5 with many pluses, but I’m only judging these reviews on wrestling content, and boy was this match crappy. Pretty much just a couple of smacks and stuff.
0 stars (counting wrestling)……5 stars (counting T&A content)
Bill Alfonso vs. Beulah Mcguillicuty
Although this wasn’t really a match, rather an extreme moment, I decided to add this in just to give props to Alfonso for working through probably the worst blade job ever. I think he used a butched knife or something because blood was POURING from his head. And I mean pouring. In about 5 minutes, the ring was completely covered in his blood, and so was Beulah. Also, Beulah connected with a nice moonsault, but man…Alfonso is a tough son of a bitch!
(for the suckitude of Alfonso’s blade job and his toughness, half star
BUY! Even though this is probably the worst DVD ECW has released, that
isn’t saying much because all of them kick ass! Although this had it’s
rough moments, some very good (and in the case of Tajiri vs. Psicosis insanely
awesome) moments outweighed the bad. Very good addition to anyone’s wrestling